#Spicalife

I think every parent pictures a perfect child when they are imagining their child coming in to this world.   You don't picture body casts, helmets for flat spots, open heart surgery, seizures, strokes, brain tumors and the inability to hear.  Are our children still perfect when those things become obstacles that they face? ABSOLUTELY! A RESOUNDING YES!   This is something I've thought a lot about (specifically regarding  the above scenarios because I have friends who's children have such issues, but this does not exclude anything else that a child or parent may face).  Our kids are perfect because they are suited PERFECTLY to us.  Their obstacles, their challenges, those things shape who they are, AND who we are.  God has used Eli's hip dysplasia to shape who I am as a mother, and how my faith in Him has grown.  Do I HATE hip dysplasia and Spica Casts? HECK YES! But at the same time, I am thankful for them.  I am thankful that there is a way to fix hip dysplasia.  I am thankful that it has forced me to remember that God is control, and He shows us grace and mercy when we try to take the control from His capable hands, into our own.  I am thankful that He has gifted so many doctors with the understanding of medicine, and has given them the skill and knowledge to advance the medical field, heal, and better the quality of life in the above mentioned obstacles and even more.   I am MOST thankful, that when I am weak, God is strong.  I could not handle these things without Him.  It is not on my power that we made it through 12 weeks of Spica life, and it's not on my power that we will make it through the next 6.  Now, I'll be totally honest- the night we came home from Eli's first procedure and spica cast placement, I crumbled.  I was mad.  I was hurt.  I felt inadequate and incapable.  I left Eli with my husband, my mom and my friend and I locked myself in the bathroom.  I got in the shower fully clothed and let the water wash over me for over an hour.   I let myself have that time to grieve.  I picked myself up, and I cared for my child, and decided that even if I couldn't handle it, God could, and WOULD.  

Spica life is not fun. It's frustrating.  I can remember the first time I held Eli when he went into his cast.  I couldn't feel HIM, all I felt was fiberglass.  For a first time mother of a mere 2 month old, you can imagine how much that hurt my heart.  I felt (and still feel) jipped out of 12 weeks of Eli's life.  There were 12 weeks where I held and cuddled with fiberglass, instead of my baby.  Now in reality, every day is the last time you will hold your child at that exact size, but I missed 12 weeks worth of exact sizes, and I struggle with that.  Everyday spica life at home was difficult.  Some things that were difficult got easier, some did not, and I am dreading having to do again.  A few things that were challenges right off the bat were burping and feeding.  The standard cradle position for feeding was hard.  I've known other people to not have as much trouble, but I couldn't really manage it.  Whether it's arm length, cast shape or most likely, strength, I wasn't able to cradle him.  Instead I would sit him strangling my knee facing me and hold his bottle to his mouth with my right hand, and tilting him back with the left. I probably got carpel tunnel in my wrist from that! For the sake of any other Spica moms that may come across this- this time around, i plan to sit him with his back to me  so he is against my body rather than all his weight on my wrist,  at the time I was more concerned with keeping him reclined enough for eating than the pain in my wrist.  Burping was extremely hard to do.  Eli's cast came all the way up his back leaving a little below his neck exposed.  The prime spot to "hit" for burping was covered.  My innovation led me to try walking up and down the stairs.  I discovered that when my heel would hit the next step (going down) that would cause Eli to burp.  Standard bouncing up and down didn't work quite as well.  I think it was the change in elevation combined with the abrupt "jolt" from my feet hitting the stairs, that made this work.  Next we come to the challenge of finding comfortable positions for Eli to be in.  We rolled hand towels, washclothes and receiving blankets and put rubber bands around them and kept them on hand at all times to put underneath him.  The different sizes helped us to eleviate pressure points from the cast.  For example- his arm pits, tailbone, his right hip/thigh and his left ankle were all problematic areas.  We had to rotate him and change his position and elevation (with the rolled towels and blankets) frequently to keep him from getting sores from the cast rubbing and putting pressure on those areas.  I read on a Spica blog, that a beanbag chair was a "must-have" for any child in a spica.  The chair forms and molds to the cast and helps older kids sit up and younger ones to lay down comfortably.  The blog I read was 110% right.  Both soft, and firm pillows were very helpful as well.  Playtime was very hard at first but as time went on, and we got more used to the cast, ideas on how to give him opportunity to play got easier.  We cut the side of his bumbo so that he was able to sit in it.  We got a booster seat with no sides that when you put a rolled towel between his legs worked GREAT for playtime.  Tummy time was not really an option until about 6 weeks in to the cast.  The cast was too high up and made him top heavy.  This made it hard for him to bring his head up and from side to side.  As his neck strength got better from being carried on my hip at 2 months old, the easier it was for him to have tummy time.  He didn't fit in to his car seat and we had to get a special one made for spica kids.  The stroller we have (baby jogger city mini) worked fairly well because the sides are low.  A towel roll was needed to make it work though.  Now we come to the part that I am DREADING about the next 6 weeks.  Diapering.  This was an ordeal.  It involved, 2 diapers, 2 incontinence pads, flipping him like a pancake, vinegar, the blow dryer and paper towels.  This happened at least every 2 hours around the clock.  Although I did it so many times I could probably do it in my sleep, it was not easy.  On the plus side, kicking baby legs were NOT an issue!  It was so important to keep the cast clean and dry to avoid Eli needing to be put back under anesthesia and recasted, it was an endless task.  In the end, I was commended on it being the cleanest cast that Eli's doctor had ever seen.  Boy, did those words make me feel like changing (at least) 1,008 diapers was worth it!  

Now, a lot of people have said "it's so great that he can get it done so young because he won't remember".  This is absolutely right and it is a blessing.  I know that it is said out of love and truth and an effort to make us feel better and in some ways, it does.  In other ways, even if it's selfish, it frustrates me.  There is definitely a plus side to the fact that he won't be traumatized by this or struggle with feeling like there is something wrong with him, and for that I am thankful that he is protected.  On the other hand though, WE will remember.  This is part of who he is, and why every time he runs on a soccer field, slides in to home base, or kicks a field goal, mommy will shed a tear.  I will remember that I sacrificed 12 weeks of holding him.  I will remember that I didn't want him to have to go through this at all.  I will remember seeing him laying there helpless and confused.  I will remember the trauma it caused US.  I know of 2 people who have had hip treatments when they were young.  They don't remember it at all.  They are however, eternally grateful for their parents, specifically their moms, for taking care of them through that.  I find solace in that.   As a parent, you know that time is a precious gift.  The baby stage doesn't last forever.  It goes even faster when it is broken up by surgeries and casts.  I want so much to slow things down, but when it comes to the Spica Cast, I want to fast forward.  So I say again, I feel jipped, I feel like I am in a catch 22 of not wanting to miss a single second, to wanting to jump ahead to when this cast business is all behind us.  I recognize the fact that this all must sound selfish, but I think that a lot of moms don't allow themselves time to grieve, and feel jipped.  We think to ourselves, "it's not about me, it's about them", but guess what?! THEY are a part of us. You don't have one without the other anymore.  You are not being selfish by hurting for and with your child.  You are not being selfish for realizing how this not only effects your child, but how it effects you as well.  Don't dwell on it, but don't ignore it either.  Ignoring it won't be good for you, and in turn won't be good for your child.

While Eli won't remember his experiences in the cast, he will see pictures and hear stories.  I've said from the start that I didn't want Eli to feel like life stopped when he was in his cast.  I want him to see joy, fun and stability.  So we go on adventures, take pictures and I inundate Facebook and annoy people with them.  I don't do that for anyone except Eli.  He is not a burden, although the cast is.  He is not the cause of my hate for the cast.  He brings us joy, he teaches us about resilience and strength, he shows us what courage and determination really are and more than that, he is the picture of overflowing joy, love and trust.  He knows nothing other than the fact that mommy and dad take care of his needs.  I don't need to reassure him that none of that will change during Spicalife, he just trusts.  What a picture of what our relationship with God should look like!  When our life circumstances change, and we feel trapped and restricted that shouldn't affect our trust, our joy, or our love for God.  And yet, it does.  I pray that Eli's spica cast is a reminder and representation to all who hear the story or see him in it, of love, joy, resilience, strength, courage and TRUST in God.  This way, even though he may not remember, everyone else WILL remember what Spicalife taught us.