Freedom IN the Change

     Let's face it, change, isn't easy. It's difficult, it's uncomfortable, it's frustrating, and it's scary.  We go from what is familiar to something unknown. It's hard to let go of what was. We go through a phase where we want to go back to what we know.  There is an inner battle that we go through as we adjust to the change.  We can hold bitterness, resentment, fear, anger towards the change and the people who caused the change.  Sometimes the anticipation of a potential change causes these feelings and we don't allow the change to occur.  It doesn't matter whether it is good for us, or something that God is calling you to change about yourself, about your church, about a relationship or a whole plethora of other things.  We want what we know.  In our human-ness we get stuck.  We don't want to be uncomfortable or challenged.  BUT, if we embrace the change and choose to live IN it, our attitudes change and God reveals a whole new realm of possibilities and opportunities.  If we live IN the change, we are rewarded.
     We have been living in our new normal of Eli sans his "bucket" for a week now.  I would like to tell you that it was all amazing and joyous and easy for all of us to adjust, but it was not.  All of the things I just explained about my observations of change, I have witnessed and experienced first hand during this past week. 

     When Eli woke up from anesthesia after his cast removal, he was distraught.  He was inconsolable.  While some of this can be contributed to the disorientation caused by anesthesia, it was more about the fact that he was uncomfortable, in pain, cold, scared and confused.  He did not understand why one moment he was cozy (although stinky) in this contraption that had held him before, and now none of those feelings of being secure were there.  He didn't remember what freedom felt like and that he had actually lived like this for a short while already.  He was not excited like his mommy and daddy were for him to relearn what freedom was. 
     I tried to console him.  I tried different positions, feeding him, tried to make him smile or laugh- but nothing that used to work, was helping now.  I felt helpless. We both had an inner struggle of wanting back what was familiar, what we knew.  My baby wanted his cast back, and in that moment... I did too.  That was NOT something I expected.  I have been looking forward and counting down to this day since the day we were told he would need the cast.  How in the world could I possibly want to go back to that? I hated the cast.  I was happy that it would fix his hip, and I found joy in the situation but I did NOT like the cast.  

     For the next few days we had to relearn how to take care of Eli, and he had to relearn how to live in his new normal of freedom.  I loved that I could feel him breathing against me, and I could play with his legs and tickle his belly, but it was not all fun, games and excitement over the fact that my child could finally wear pants.  I struggled because I kept trying to do the things I did while Eli was in the cast.  I wasn't living IN the change.  Things that used to console him, or be comfortable for him, no longer were, yet I kept trying them and getting frustrated when they wouldn't work.  Eli was frustrated too.  He would startle and scare himself when he would move his leg, or when I would carry him, and he would get excited and wiggle but fall backwards a little because there was no cast to catch him.  He had to realize that the things he used to be able to do and even the things he couldn't do had changed.  We both had to start living IN our change in order for us to enjoy it and find our freedom. 

     That discovery and my decision to embrace it has made a world of difference.  Now we are enjoying our freedom.  We are enjoying the new opportunities, like going to the zoo, and in the pool.  We are enjoying the new possibilities for Eli like trying to roll over and having more tummy time where he can push with his back legs and strengthen them so he can eventually scoot, crawl and walk.  We have found our freedom in the change and are no longer longing for what was, but instead looking forward to what will be. 

http://youtu.be/CzUpQCzG8TQ

http://youtu.be/0jy-azGUV2o  (he started at the bottom of the mat)

http://youtu.be/eQF0Ooszoe0 (getting closer to rolling over!)

A New Normal

     "Normal" is defined as "The usual, average or typical state or condition".  I've discovered (with the help of a friend who gave me the phrase "new normal") that normal is relative.  My normal is not your normal.  Your normal is not my normal.  While reflecting on this concept I've also discovered that what is normal CHANGES.  Right now, I would define my normal as "married parenthood".  However, within that normal, my circumstances have changed my daily normal 5 times and counting.  Right now, I'll give you the general overview, and over the course of the next few weeks I'll tell you about each phase of our normal in more detail. 

     My son Eli was born at 35 weeks.  He was whisked off to the NICU after a few second reprieve of being held by his Daddy while I was cleaned up from my C-section.  In addition to the new normal of being a brand new parent, I was unexpectedly being thrown into the normal of a NICU mom.  This normal thankfully did not last as long as we were warned it might.  After a week, the next normal I encountered, and welcomed with open arms, was being a mom with a newborn at home.  This unfortunately only lasted 2 weeks.  At 3 weeks old, Eli was diagnosed with Bilateral Hip Dysplasia.  He went into a Pavlik Harness in an effort to correct his hips.  This was non-evasive and as "easy" a method could be to correct his hip issues. The harness was to remain on him 24 hours a day. I had just gotten the hang of being a new mom with a newborn and I was being thrown the curve ball of how to care for a newborn I was unable to cradle in my arms, pump his legs to relieve the gas pain he was struggling with, or change a diaper without him crying in pain and frustration.  This normal lasted for 3 weeks.  We (Eli, my husband and my self) were finally getting used to things when the doctor determined this method of treatment was NOT working and if left on longer could potentially do more damage than good.  The doctor explained to us that the next step for treatment was called a closed hip reduction.  This procedure would be done under anesthesia, but was minimally evasive.  A dye would be injected into Eli's hips to highlight the socket and then his hips would be manipulated into place.  In order to allow the hips to solidify where they are supposed to be, a body cast called a Spica Cast would be placed and he would stay in it for 12 weeks.  Our 4th new normal was the 2 week reprieve we were granted free of the harness prior to having his procedure to place the body cast.  2 weeks to play with his toes, give him baths, do normal diaper changes, and have him wear ALL of his 3 month clothes he wouldn't be able to wear in the cast so I didn't feel stupid for having already taken off all the tags.  Once again we were just getting into a "normal" routine and it was time for Eli to be put into his cast.  I met this new normal with serious apprehension, and even more when the next complication with Eli's hips came to light.  During this procedure the Doctor discovered that Eli's right hip was MUCH worse than his left.  The right would need extensive surgery when Eli was closer to a year old and yet another body cast would be placed after that.  Eli came out of this procedure with a cast up to his arm pits and down his left leg.  This is the normal we have been living in for the past 12 weeks.  It presented more challenges than I ever imagined but it also brought more joy and lessons about resilience in the form of a sweet and smiley baby in a "bucket". 

     Tomorrow begins our 6th new normal.  Tomorrow Eli's cast comes off and we have a 6 month reprieve before his surgery and next cast.  I am beyond excited for this new normal.  Of course this will present its own challenges, as I have gotten used to my little one not being able to roll off the couch, changing table etc.  Seeing my son kick both legs, and wear pants, and being able to tickle his tummy and rub his back are so "insignificant" in the grand scheme of parenthood until you are unable to do them.  Tomorrow- that all changes.  Tomorrow, I'm going to change Eli's shorts every hour, pump his legs and watch him kick them. tickle and blow raspberries on his tummy every time I change his shorts, and rub his back and hold him close.  Tomorrow Eli is going to find me the most annoying Mommy in the world, and that's HIS new normal.